shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
