She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
