You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
