I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
