Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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