it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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