i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
