I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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