I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
