is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
