Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
