i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
