Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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