and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
