The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
