Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I didn't notice because vodka
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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