Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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