my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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