I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
