Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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