the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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