alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
