I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
