Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
