2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
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And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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