I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
