Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
