Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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