remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
