I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
