I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.