he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is