see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
