i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We're too hungover to prance.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
