brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
