You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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