i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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