I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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