Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
