eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
