currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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