i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I look better un-naked...
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.