if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
