Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.