...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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