if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
