i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
