So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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