apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
