Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
