She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
