and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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