i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
