Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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