I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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