I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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