did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
