I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
