youre lurking in front of me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
