i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
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is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Come back. Shots need mouths.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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