I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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