you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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